Warning: Graphic Language
Proving there is a vas deferens in normal and not so normal people, 76-year-old Gary Van Ryswyk of Sebring, Florida has pleaded nolo contendere to charges he removed a man’s testicles in his home.
In an apparent attempt to kill two birds with one stone, the state has accepted the plea in a deal that will send Van Ryswyk to state prison for three years if all goes according to the nutty plan. The ballsy charges the state brought against Van Ryswyk include practicing medicine without a license resulting in bodily harm and practicing medicine without a license.
The now-empty sack victim in this bizarre case of a eunuch fetish gone wrong is an unnamed man from St. Petersburg, Florida who happens to be a hardware store manager (with some now missing hardware).
Van Ryswyk told police who responded to his home in response to a 9-1-1 hang-up call that he met the victim on a eunuch fetish site.
Apparently having no-balls is a thing for some dudes, and removing the family jewels of those dudes is a thing for dudes like Van Ryswyk.
Highlands County Sheriff deputies arrived and found a man in a bedroom bleeding profusely in the genital area with a blood-soaked towel over himself. Next to the bed deputies found the man’s testicles in a glass jar on a table, several knives, a soldering iron, and some medical instruments.
The victim was initially taken to a local medical center but was later med-flighted by helicopter to Tampa General Hospital. It was not stated if doctors attempted to reattach his severed nuts or not, but it was reported he was suicidal after the failed castration. State law is not clear if Van Ryswyk would have been charged with testicular manslaughter had his victim died.
The man told police Van Ryswyk wasn’t much of a baller as a surgeon, saying “he was constantly fumbling and dropping stuff.”
For his part, Van Ryswyk admitted to having poor eyesight and that the pain meds he administered he purchased off the internet from a company in England. It was not clear from the HCSO report if Van Ryswyk was planning to charge his victim for his services, or if he was freeballing.
Surprisingly or not surprisingly, this isn’t the first time Van Ryskwyk got his jollies messing with the beans and franks of other men with a hunting knife.
He told arresting officers he had done at least one prior nut-job on another man, a guy named Scott whose eunuch fetish site handle was “wanna be dickless;” he said he also did a partial castration on himself, having removed his right nut in 2007.
The castration on Scott (aka: wanna be dickless) was performed at a LaQuinta Inn six miles from Van Ryswyk’s home in 2012. But for the botched procedure, he set up a makeshift operating room in a bedroom in his home because he said, “The lighting was really poor at the La Quinta.” He also told cops, “You know, I mean [the rooms] are more for romance than they are for surgery.”
A real goofball, Van Ryswyk said he learned how to perform castrations by doing the deed on the Minnesota farm he grew up on as a boy.
Although the unnamed victim in this case initially did not want to press charges against Van Ryswyk, since the incident, the two have been groin apart. Although he now has no balls, at least he can still rub his eyes in the morning, and if he ever finds himself getting kicked in the groin playing field hockey, it won’t hurt. But the question remains, can he still get sweaty balls?
Van Ryswyk will face a judge later this year for sentencing. It is likely he will be fond of playing hacky sack in the prison yard and other assorted extra-testicular activities. This man is clearly not of sound mind, and given he is missing at least one of his nuts, may be suffering from ‘ballzheimers’.
This story is 100 percent true and was initially reported on The Smoking Gun.
Puns have been added for comedic effect because you just gotta laugh at how stupid some people are. And please people, do not try to remove someone’s nuts in your bedroom – it’s gonna make a real mess, do it in the garage.
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You should get a Pulitzer Prize for your creative article
Thanks for a good laugh.
Humans are the craziest!
Don’t think I laughed so hard since the movie “ The gods must be crazy”